merp

They say that half the time, people don’t really commit suicide when they’re at rock bottom. At rock bottom, it’s hard to get up. It’s hard to leave the house. So that makes it pretty difficult to kill yourself. There’s no energy.

They say that half the time, people kill themselves when they’re between rock bottom and normality. 

I honestly can’t remember the last time I made someone proud of me. I can’t remember the last time I did anything that I was proud of.

In therapy she said that the biggest thing for me is/was not giving up hope for the future and realizing there isn’t just black or white, things aren’t just either disasterous or fantastic. It’s weird because I understand that. The in between for me is tiring. And bleak.Not disasterous, but bleak. And trust me, general outlooks can be bleak even when in certain moments, I’m enjoying myself. Thats the thing. I’m enjoying MYSELF. But I don’t see any point in being around people if you can’t make them happy or proud. Or even if you do, whats the point if you disappoint them and are no use most of the time other than to take up oxygen.

And I know that if I survive a long enough amount of time, then I’ll probably be able to see a future or alternative that I can look forward to maybe happening. But thats the thing. I have to not let myself get too upset for too long or else I can’t really stop. Little things, yes, I’ve learned to distract myself and stop thinking but today

nothing really stopped in time and now I don’t really want to do anything or see anyone. And then I think 

hm. Whats the point then? I don’t understand how my parents deal with my brother and I being useless lumps of human. I feel bad that they do all they can. I feel bad.Every day I feel bad that we aren’t decent kids and that they feel like they could have done more. But its not their fault. Its our fault. I feel bad but I still can’t…people say 

oh, keep trying for them or him or her or whatever and it makes me feel selfish. 

What if it’s the other way around? What if, by either dying or just generally hiding and disappearing, depending on what I’m capable of, I can no longer be a disappointment because I’m not there. 

I’ve learned over almost 19 years I’m actually really easy to forget about My friends might disagree but then thats because they’re my friends now. They don’t know understand how easy it would be to forget about me if I just disappeared. I watched people I cared about more than myself just forget. It’s not their fault. Why would you remember someone thats been useless for a year

over the last month i somehow managed to regain some ability to create good anxiety, some level of looking forward to things within that week

or month or this summer or stuff next semester

and suddenly, over the past 2 weeks, it’s all slipping away again.

can this just please be over
I just really really want to be done.

…I’m looking at this situation and wondering

if i really regret what I did at the end of last semester

or

if I don’t actually regret it and I subconsciously know I made the right choice. That this is just the universe slapping me across the face and telling me that even though I want things to work, want America to not be so big and distances not be so large, it can’t and I just have to live and learn and grow and keep it up the way it is now and never take anyone for granted ever again and let go, stop being selfish. Maybe the regret is just me recoiling now that I can no longer pretend I didn’t care, that I wasn’t affected.

and either way, I’m going to lose. LOLjk I’ve clearly already lost.

If I compare this time yesterday to right now

it’s kind of unbelievable how different it is

how different I feel. 

But now that I look at it, the me now, the me that’s alone and seemingly untouchable and just battling her own inner voice…that’s the real me me. The me last night and earlier today was a facade, only what I hope to be, who I hope to be, someone worth it.

Just have to learn how to let it go

…

…

It’s been a year and I still haven’t figured out how to let things go. Kind of want to give up. I always kind of want to give up but I can’t and it’s so frustrating.

excuse to be nostalgic

I graduated high school exactly a year ago today.

Also this picture fucking kills me. It’s the happiest my family has ever looked in a picture. 

…Even though I was already 2 months into nose-diving when this picture was taken. But still.

Damn.

I think everything is starting to come full circle where I realize “okay, this is it. These are the consequences here you go” and I can’t change it I can’t do anything about it except deal with it.

The dealing with it part sucks. The dealing with it is where the blame the responsibility the regret the questioning

I know it goes away. Like I said, it’s like a wave. The waves come and go and hopefully one day they’ll just be little ripples or something. But when I’m facing that wave, I don’t think about the fact that it doesn’t last forever, that there are breaks so that I don’t have to be so tired from the tug of war. Basically, trapped.

I’ve always envisioned it as being locked i a dark and empty room. Whenever I’m not trapped, the door is open and there’s like…some kind of familiar comfort about it that draws me in. Like…I know I don’t have to keep fighting or resisting if I just go inside. But then it morphs into…just. ugly thoughts and crushing sadness.

Like right now. The doors open and I’m so tired.

I was just starting to forget what the hopelessness felt like

until now.

….this is scary

you know there’s something wrong
when thinking about home
makes you break down
and cry
not because I miss it

but because I’m afraid to go back.